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What's your best insult?   Do you use the same one over and over, or are you quick to come up with an intelligent personal poke, insulting barb, or the perfect backhanded compliment to suit any situation?  As we add more and more shirts with insults, we're hoping this can be your ultimate list of put downs.  

If the great insults on the shirts aren't enough (we'll have hundreds of funny tees once we're done) we've included a list of the top insulting things and best comebacks below.

Have fun (you moron!)

 

The Big List of Insults and Comebacks

 

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and find a smarter answer in my toilet.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't bury my head that deep in the sand.

I've heard smarter things from a schizophrenic with Tourette's (terribly politically incorrect!)

I don't argue with idiots, you’ll just lower me to your level then beat me with experience.

Wow, you CAN be dumber than you look.

It's pointless to make fun of you because it’ll take you the rest of the day to figure it out.

I'm condescending? Do you even know what that means?

I can almost hear the gears grinding inside your head.

The short bus is here! Where's your helmet?

It's scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.

You act as though your stupidity is a virtue.

You better hope you marry rich.

Please tell me you don't home-school your kids.

Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand. You need a Ph.D. to come up with something as meaningless as that?

You have delusions of adequacy.

You can compress the most words into the smallest idea of anyone I know.

You occasionally stumble over the truth, but you quickly pick yourself up and carry on as if nothing happened.

Well I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.

You act like your arrogance is a virtue.

I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said

Some people bring happiness wherever they go; you bring happiness whenever you go.

Come again when you can't stay quite so long.

I'm trying to think of a nice compliment, but somehow nothing comes to mind.

I thought you were attractive, but then you opened your mouth.

Let me guess... your parents didn't hug you enough as a kid.

You may not have any enemies, but your friends don't really like you either.

The clowns called, they want their face paint back.

Your makeup looks like it was applied with a shotgun.

It looks like your makeup was put on by a bunch of three-year-olds learning how to finger paint.

I've seen clowns with a more natural look than that.

Guys are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Who let you out of your cage?

You're pretty... stupid.

A demitasse would fit your head like a sombrero.

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

Alone: In bad company.

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

Are you brain-dead?

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance.

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

Converse with any plankton lately?

Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of ideas.

Did the hospital test too many drugs on you today?

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Did your parents have any children that lived?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.

Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.

Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?

Do you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Everyone is gifted. Some can’t open the package.

Excellent time to for you to become a missing person.

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

Has the IQ of lint.

Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?

He does the thinking of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.

He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!

He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.

He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.

He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.

He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He smells the coffee, but can't find the pot.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

He'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.

Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!

He's got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.

He's just visiting this planet.

He's so dense that light bends around him.

He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.

Hey, act your age -- senile!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

His origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under his family tree.

His personality's split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.

His suitcase doesn't have a handle.

Did someone leave your cage open?

I always wanted to be a trouble shooter but you’re not worth the ammunition!

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.

I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

I heard that your brother was an only child.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I understand you, but thousands wouldn't!

I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!

I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.

I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn't get offended.

I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.

I'd like to give you a going-away present ... but you have to do your part.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought ... but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!

I'd slap you senseless ... but I can't spare three seconds!

If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for… I'm glad.

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.

If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

If you had another brain like the one you've got, you'd still be a half-wit.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.

You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.

It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.

I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

I've hated your looks from the start they gave me.

I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," he's practically invulnerable.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!

Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.

Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

No one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave good-bye.

Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

People clap when they see you - their hands over their eyes or ears.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.

Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.

She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up.

She was another one of his near Mrs.

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.

Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

Some people don't hesitate to speak their minds because they have nothing to lose.

Someday you'll go far, if you catch the right train.

Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.

The closest she/he'll ever get to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle.

The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

The going got weird and he turned pro.

The only thing he brought to this job was his car.

The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

There are only two things I dislike about her - her face.

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

They say space is a dangerous place… especially if it's between your ears!

They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didn't miss a tree.

Thinking isn't your strong suit, is it?

This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

Too bad stupidity isn't painful.

We do not complain about your shortcomings but about your long stayings.

We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."

We know that you would give your life for us. Promises, promises!

We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.

What color is the sky in your world?

What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.

When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

When you feel terrific, notify your face.

When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?

Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

With a mind like yours, who needs a body?

Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.

Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?

You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in.

You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's butt.

You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.

You are no longer beneath my contempt.

You are not as bad as people say - you are worse!

You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa.

You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car

You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two days.

You grow on people - like a wart!

You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!

You have a good weapon against muggers - your face!

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

You have a speech impediment... your foot.

You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there?

You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.

You say that you are always bright and early. Well OK, we know you are early.

You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

You started at the bottom - and it's been downhill ever since.

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

Your dog is so stupid, he chases parked cars.

Your family tree is good but you are the sap.

Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night.

Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity.

You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.

You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without the "savant" part.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

You're so old you drove a chariot to school.

You're so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch "Sixty Minutes."

You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

You're so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular phone!

You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.

You're so ugly you almost look like your mother.

You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.

You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you bye.